i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So much Jack, so little girl.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
