He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
