Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
