Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
