Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
