obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
