He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
