my sisters under your porch take her home
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
