If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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