tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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