I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
