the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
