other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
