I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
