so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
