i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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