how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize