Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
