dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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