I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dear god my vagina.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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