then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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