Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
