True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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