If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
