I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
