Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize