I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
