Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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