Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
