they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
