Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The ass gains better be worth it
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