I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize