Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
