um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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