Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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