Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
