come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
