Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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