I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
