Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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