This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
