Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize