just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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