your parents love me but you hate me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
