Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
whose parrot is this?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
