I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
