I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
