My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
