my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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