Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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