Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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