you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
