Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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