your parents love me but you hate me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Randomize
