dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize